Don’t question my opinion; I am on twitter!!

By / February 21, 2018 : 5:23 / Commentary, OPINION / No Comments
Don’t question my opinion; I am on twitter!!

Being on twitter must be the coolest and most amazing thing to do in this century, and frankly, people on twitter especially Kenyans on Twitter, Famously known as KOT, think they have made it in life, because they have followers and the S.I unit for intelligence is twitter followers. So what could be so great about having a twitter password? One would ask.

Well for starters, people on twitter are the only ones who have the cognitive ability to engage in intelligent talk, or any talk at all. In fact, the bare minimum requirement for opening an account is a Ph.D. It goes without saying therefore, that it is easier to be an aeronautical engineer than to have an operational twitter account because one must be able to write a full meaningful sentence in 140 characters… not words, but characters. Given an example: in the twitter world, I have an I.Q of 23 and Chrissy Teigen would have 900k… Tweet this!!

The tweeps have a great case though. All the most influential people in the world are on twitter; the trendsetters and celebrities to name but a few. Which is a great case by the way because I used to work with Mr. Martin Dunford in the same office, (Martin Dunford is the Father to the Dunford brothers, the famous Kenyan swimmers) He was the chairperson of the company I worked for and that made the rest of us to his “followers” millionaires as well.

The followers and the followed…

You are on twitter Yes; you have a password, yes… I have something for you… I had a library card it was a smart card, like an ATM card and well, while others went to the library to research I was like the smartest, I went there to download movies … what I mean is you cannot claim intelligence by association.

There are two categories of people on twitter; the followers and the followed and the intelligent and the intellectually challenged. My honest case for intelligence is that the people working on that Tesla that has since acquired a new residence in space, thanks to Elon, Musk could not have found its way there without the help of twitter, no wonder they spent a lot of their time doing something else rather than trying to get people to follow them.

I like tweeps for one thing that they have standards, they are thinkers, influencers, and they are (insert all the big adjectives you can think about). Tweeps are the unsung heroes of our times, leaders of the free world and defenders of the freedom of typing whatever you feel like typing even if it is evidently stupid. You simply cannot be intelligent if you are not on twitter!! And yes if it was on twitter it is true, who are you to question?

Mr. Covfefe is one such person, an avid tweep, the president of the almighty United States of America and a thinker by all twitter standards. Need I say that he gets all his intelligence briefs on twitter and since, experts have warned that there is a danger in having a president that has the attention span of a rat, an attention span that cannot stomach reading anything more than 140 characters long, which by all means reflect the standards displayed on twitter.

However, you and I know that Mr. Covfefe is hardly a conventional president. For a start, he showed no obvious interest in politics before Obama, which is rare for a politician. We know exactly what excites the man; business, tax evasion, paid-for overseas travel and sex with porn stars on the presidential jet without the worry of the press and his wife ever finding out.

The same goes for all of us, I suppose, except the only thing we are in charge of is our twitter accounts. To be honest, most of us cannot do any worse than Trump.

Forgive my digression; have you noticed that everyone on twitter is trying to be the first one to break the news? I thought you did. Everyone thinks they are Chris rock funny yet when the tweet backfires; they sit and feel bad about how small the number of retweets came in. Believe me or not, people pay other people to retweet their tweets. It is that depressing.

Here is the most amazing thing though, everyone wants to follow three people on twitter and have 3 million people following them? In another world, such a person would be the kind we call a self-loathing narcissist, someone you will give one chance to go and bring peace in the Middle East but they will find a way to make it about them.

It is no wonder finding one single follower on twitter is as easy as picking money on your way to the grocery store or finding a job. There is always a job alert, an advertisement with the caveat, “Females are encouraged to apply”. Which basically means, if any man even contemplates trying to apply for the job, he will be shot dead. However, you will still apply, pay for the CRB, Good Conduct, HELB and a suit and show up with hopes of landing the job that had been given to a female because she looks good, and her good looks are more useful in making decisions than yours.

All hope is not lost though… if you are on twitter, you are half employed because tweeps are like very very, smart people, I would employ someone with a twitter account. Be smart, open a twitter account.

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Kevin Joel

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